Yeah, I know. It's been a year...well, almost a year. It's not like life hasn't been happening. In fact, that's just it. Life is happening. I don't have time to write about it. Sometimes I would love to just sit and write all of my thoughts, and I do. It's called journaling. Its in a bunch of different notebooks from the past year. But even so, sometimes I am slow to journal.
I think blogging is over-rated. Which is precisely why I'm doing it right now. Ironic, I know. I think I kinda missed my page. I just wonder if we spent more time living and not worrying about what people thought about us in life if we would be over-all happier people. I stopped blogging when I realized that I was disappointed that no one commented or no one read the post. Don't say that you haven't done or thought the same thing. You have, I know it.
Anyway, this is my I don't care if anyone reads it but I felt like blogging post. So here goes...
Have you ever had those moments in life when it feels like your on a roller-coaster and no matter how many times you near the end it takes off again before you can get off? That's been my life lately. The last 2 or 3 months have really felt like that. I've cried and laughed and cried harder. I've been though some hard times in life with the loss of relationships, friendships, loved ones. But none have been like this. I don't quite understand it, but I know God is up to something.
It was only 3 months officially, 5 really and 7 total. But it felt like years. Never had conversation flowed so naturally, laughter come so easily, questions, concerns and doubts fled so quickly. And then the past came back to haunt you and it was over. But I'll never regret it, always remember it and hope to relive it in reality....someday.
They say hope deferred makes the heart sick. My heart has had the flu for 3 months. But it's recovering. Slowly. Each day it feels a little bit better, a bit stronger. Sometimes it does too much and needs time to rest. The recuperation process feels harder this time than normal. Thoughts, feelings, memories. They aren't fading. I'm not sure I want them too, but should they? I. Don't. Know. And I think I'm finally okay with that.
God has grabbed my attention with two hands, gentle but strong. I'm wrestling. But I want to surrender before he wrenches my hip like Jacob. I want to be like Joseph who, even in the midst of suffering, did not give up on God but knew that He was with him. He was the one granting favor even in the prison. Even when he was forgotten about. Joseph didn't try to get out himself. He ran from temptation, doing the right thing and ended up getting convicted for the wrong. Life is not fair. No one ever said it would be.
There are a lot of things that I could say I wish were different. But more than that I want to surrender to Jesus, the one who knows why they aren't. Do you trust me? Do you love me? Will you let me take the lead? I want my answer to be a resounding, "Yes, Lord Yes!" Right now, it's a "I want to, can you help me?"
I'm not sure if my total package got away or if there is a better one coming along. But I do know that I want to fall even more in love with Jesus and know that I can do NOTHING with out Him. I need to realize that until I am completely and utterly satisfied with Him and Him alone I will never be satisfied.
They say obedience is success in the economy of God. Well, I know breaking up was obedient. Therefore it was a successful relational move. It doesn't help the grief of loss, but I know that God rewards obedience. Now I just need to wait on His timing.
