In the Everyday

In the everyday there are moments of contentment, moments of hope. There are moments of panic, moments of tears, moments of laughter, moments of spontaneous singing and dancing in the kitchen. 

There are moments you hope to always celebrate and moments you hope to forget. 

In the everyday there is a desire to live in the moment, the desire to live life each day at a time. There are moments where that seems easy, but most times it's easier said then done.

In the everyday there is joy interwoven with pain, beauty interwoven with disgust, hope interwoven with disappointment.

In the everyday there is clarity mingled with cloudiness, comfort mingled with dis-ease. In the everyday there is God's voice whispering competing with the enemies voice taunting. There is spirit battling flesh, good battling evil, justice battling injustice. 

In the everyday there are moments that are for you and moments that are seemingly against you. There are moments that last forever and moments that pass you by.

In the everyday there are choices - what to eat, wear, go, do,say,not say,obey, not obey, speak up, remain silent, play, rest.

 

In the everyday there is a chance to slow down, stop and enjoy what's around you, breath deeply, daydream briefly, love fully.

In the everyday we can care, rest, meet, work, play, go, stay.

In the everyday I want to live in a way that is 0-60mph suddenly with out knowing what got me there, but to be aware of the moment by moment. 

I've lost too much living in the someday or yesterday when what I need to embrace is today. I just want to drink deep in the moment of the everyday.

Beautiful

We had church on our back porch this morning. It was beautiful. Beautiful because of the weather, beautiful because of the Word, beautiful because of the people and the discussion we had.
There is something about being in the midst of something difficult that makes you appreciate life, people, God, everything in a new light. Not that I didn't appreciate these things before, but now the appreciation is deeper, comes quicker and is more tangible.
My life as I knew it, or at least hoped it, had changed. It's hard. I had a plan. I had a picture in my mind of what my future would look like. I had it figured out, at least in dream form. In a moment all the plans and dreams I had were gone, like a rug being pulled out from underneath me. There I am, lying on the floor and the only place to look is up. So I do, and there's Jesus, with an outstretched hand helping me up and then embracing me. Beautiful. He has dreams and plans for me...always has, always will. Beautiful.
I have no idea what the future holds. I don't have a plan anymore. Is it scary?, a little. Is it beautiful?, definitely.

Home

"Home is not a place, it is not the four walls that confine us. You hold it in each other. The Lord is creating a home in the space between you. He is placing a kitchen there, with a pantry full of spiced tea and long grain rice. He has a study with all your favorite authors. He has a family room with a woven rug and the warmth of the fire. Be empowered by this home that you and the Lord are creating."- a friend of a friend

Come Lord Jesus, build this house with me. AMEN

No Matter What...

So, I'm driving home from dinner with friends on Wednesday night and I'm listening to the local Christian radio station. A song ends and the DJ comes on and says, "Up next No Matter What by new artist Kerrie Roberts..." and I think to myself, I know a Kerrie Roberts. I wonder if it's her...and it was!! I would recognize her voice anywhere. Kerrie was a friend while I was on staff at the University of Miami. She graduated my first year there and was good friends with my staff partner. Her song came on and I just started crying. The words were JUST what I needed to hear. Check her out...www.kerrieroberts.com
Here are the lyrics of No Matter What...


"I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why,


No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.


When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I wont even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,


No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what.


Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own, no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You


No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You, no matter what, no matter what. I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what"

Growth Out of Tears

Technically I am no longer an American in Canada. Truthfully I would rather be, but honestly I can't be. Not right now, not like this. Technically I am still on Sabbatical. Truthfully I'm feeling bitter-sweet about that fact and honestly I hope these next few weeks go by quickly. Technically I should still be in Canada. Truthfully, the fact that I am not is incredibly painful, but honestly I know it's best for me to be home right now.

They say God is not surprised, that God expects the unexpected, that God is king and ruler of all things, is all knowing and is always there. I believe that, but I am having a hard time understanding it right now.

There are a million things that I could write right now. I have so much running through my head. I'm full of hurt, disappointment, grief, pain, sadness, confusion, joy, and hope. I know that the last two don't seem to fit with the rest, but I can hold on to them because of Jesus and I know that they are what I need the most.

They say that ending a relationship is a lot like losing a loved one, but sometimes it can be harder because the person is actually still around but no longer in your life. I can't really say why Tim and I didn't work out in the end. He has his reason, I have mine. I can say that we wanted different things. I can say that we tried. I can say that I'm going to miss him terribly. He was one of my best friends. I can say that I will always have memories that will make me smile, laugh and yes, cry. I can say that I learned more about love than I thought possible. I can say that I grew. I can say that I have no regrets. I can say that I did and said what I needed to say. I can say that I am praying for Tim and mean it. I can say that I am incredibly grateful for friends and family both in Canada and the States that have been my shoulder to cry on this past week. I can say that I am seeking God, clinging to Jesus, asking the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me to grieve, and speak like never before.
- Janina, Becca, Me, and Shiloh my last night in Vancouver













-the last picture I have of Tim and I...







One of the last days that I was in town, a Wednesday, my dear friend Kim and I went to Raw Canvas. I had a coupon (if you haven't checked out the groupon coupons your missing out - www.groupon.com ) for wine and painting. I never thought art could be so therapeutic. As we brainstormed ideas of what to paint, words and images began to come. Tulips were my favorite flower here. The words Live, Learn, Love, Grow, and Hope are the words I would use to describe my time. Tears are what come to my eyes each time I think of Tim. As we worked, collaborated, on the painting, we talked, laughed, sang, cried. As the painting began to take shape I would step back and whisper, yes, this is it, this captures my whole sabbatical.
Thank you Kim,for helping me begin the grieving and healing process...



People have asked me if my time of Sabbatical has been tainted in anyway because Tim and I broke up. No, it hasn't. I came to Vancouver to see if Tim and I would work out. I came to learn to rest. I came take classes at Regent. I came to hear from God. I came to grow, learn, and be challenged. I came to discover. My Sabbatical was about taking time to discover more about myself, God and the direction I was being called to. I received answers to all these things. I discovered that no, Tim and I would not work out in the places where we were and in the things that we hoped for. I discovered that I can rest and that my identity is often too wrapped up in what I am doing or accomplishing. I learned to surrender that and am still learning that. I discovered that I enjoyed taking classes, learning about sabbath and scripture in new ways and making friends at Regent. I discovered that God is more than I thought He was although I already thought he was pretty amazing. I discovered He just wants me to be real and totally handle my hurt, disappointment, and restlessness. I discovered what love really is - more than just a feeling or emotion that you fall in and out of at whim, but a conscience choice that takes hard work and is impossible to maintain on your own. I discovered that there is more to me to discover. I discovered that I need to keep surrendering control. I could go on and on...

I'm in Florida right now. It's been weird. Not only because I'm here under sad circumstances, but because suddenly the things that I have loved over the past 5 1/2 months have been stripped away. There is no beach within walking distance, no fruit and vegetable stand, no amazing public transportation, no Regent college, and no Timothy to call...Plus there are a whole lot more Black and Latino people and barely any Asians! It's strange I tell you.

In these last few weeks of Sabbatical I'm crying out to Jesus to speak. I need to hear his voice. I need him to guide me. I need him to help me grieve, I need him to live one day at a time, I need him to point out to me what I missed along the way. Here I am Lord. I am yours. I need you. Bring healing to both me and Tim. What an incredible man he is. Thank you for the 11 months we had. Help us both to know that you have a plan and that it is beyond what either of us could ever imagine. Holy God, Holy God, Holy God, help. Holy God, Holy God, Holy God, come and speak.

Things that make me smile about Vancouver...

Here is my "Makes Me Smile" list (in no particular order)...

1. Fresh Blackberries, Blueberries and Raspberries - better than any I've ever had!

2. The fact that people refer to something ridiculous that's happened as a "gong show".
3. All the beautiful varieties of flowers and plants that could never grow in FL or TX




4. The fact that I can pretty much walk (or if needed bus) any where I want to go.


5. The fact that the generic brand at the grocery store is Presidents Choice, when Canada doesn't even have a president
6. The word, 'eh
7. The fact that it's August and hasn't gotten above 85 degrees - makes being outside for long periods of time so much more bearable

8. That the water in lakes and oceans are almost always clear - I can see the bottom and that means I can see where I am about to step next...I like that :)



9. That fact that Vancouver is still absolutely gorgeous even in the rain


10. My fabulous roommates and other friends that I have made here



11. The fact that my house is only 5 blocks from the beach



12. Regent College - classes, chapel, friends, Ultimate Frisbee - I love it all!


13. Tim :)





14. All the incredible things that God has been teaching me since I have been here
15. Sushi, lots and lots of sushi

16. Young Brothers fruit and vegetable stand


17. Riding Tim's motorcycle on a beautiful day

18. Pioneer Pacific Camp





19. All the memorable places that Tim and I have gone together





20. The fact that everyday I hear at least one language spoken that's not English

And there's probably many more things....

The Truth....

The truth is I'm not sure what I want, the truth is that I want what I can't have. The truth is that what I want isn't realistic. The truth is it isn't the truth at all. The truth is warped and strangely dim. The truth is lies covered with a shiny exterior that I like to play with carefully so that it doesn't come unraveled.
The reality is God is truth. There is truth. I want truth, need truth and desire to live truth, real truth and not "just our society says it's true" truth.
Somehow, our emotionally manipulative society has gotten to me in a way that has made me numb to realizing that it's lies and not truth. This isn't a pretty realization. In fact it feels slightly humiliating to admit. But I know that I'm not the only one, that's why there is a million dollar industry.
Somehow, I get more of a kick out of watching "love" played out in movies and TV and then am disappointed when it doesn't happen that way for me. Somehow I have an image of "Prince Charming", "Ken" or any other childhood male fairytale character stuck in my mind and am disappointed when the man in my life doesn't measure up to that. I feel like screaming, "damn you Disney!" but then realize that I'm the one still holding onto the idol.
I woke up this morning saddened by the fact that I'm missing out on some beautiful things that God has been teaching me because I have an addiction to fantasy. My "Truth by Storytelling" Professor and class began to show me that. We memorized scripture, word for word and retold it. It was so life-giving. I felt like I was there when Lazarus was raised from the dead. It was awesome. But then after a conversation last night with Tim and admitting that I liked being emotionally manipulated by the shows or movies that I watch I realized that I want to be there and I want to retell those stories like they really happened. BUT THEY DIDN'T! Our media does their job well. And I dont even watch TV much. Maybe once a week, but it affects me. Years of watching TV, movies and reading books has left me looking for what I think is the ideal...life, man, marriage, job, body, etc. I've known that it affects me in some way and shaped me, but I didn't know how much. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when the Wizard is truly revealed and it really was only smokescreen and mirrors.
I've set myself and others up to fail because of the way I've let fantasy encroach upon my reality. I've been learning and growing and waiting on God as he pulls back the layers. It's not pretty, fun or easy but reality is better. Real truth is better. All-most truths and half-truths are really all-most lies and half-lies. I don't want to live in a lie. I don't want anything less than the beauty of truth that lives in the freedom of no longer wearing masks even when the reality isn't pretty. I confess my addiction to fantasy and my idol making idealism.
Jesus help me. I know He will.