Growth Out of Tears

Technically I am no longer an American in Canada. Truthfully I would rather be, but honestly I can't be. Not right now, not like this. Technically I am still on Sabbatical. Truthfully I'm feeling bitter-sweet about that fact and honestly I hope these next few weeks go by quickly. Technically I should still be in Canada. Truthfully, the fact that I am not is incredibly painful, but honestly I know it's best for me to be home right now.

They say God is not surprised, that God expects the unexpected, that God is king and ruler of all things, is all knowing and is always there. I believe that, but I am having a hard time understanding it right now.

There are a million things that I could write right now. I have so much running through my head. I'm full of hurt, disappointment, grief, pain, sadness, confusion, joy, and hope. I know that the last two don't seem to fit with the rest, but I can hold on to them because of Jesus and I know that they are what I need the most.

They say that ending a relationship is a lot like losing a loved one, but sometimes it can be harder because the person is actually still around but no longer in your life. I can't really say why Tim and I didn't work out in the end. He has his reason, I have mine. I can say that we wanted different things. I can say that we tried. I can say that I'm going to miss him terribly. He was one of my best friends. I can say that I will always have memories that will make me smile, laugh and yes, cry. I can say that I learned more about love than I thought possible. I can say that I grew. I can say that I have no regrets. I can say that I did and said what I needed to say. I can say that I am praying for Tim and mean it. I can say that I am incredibly grateful for friends and family both in Canada and the States that have been my shoulder to cry on this past week. I can say that I am seeking God, clinging to Jesus, asking the Holy Spirit to guide me, teach me to grieve, and speak like never before.
- Janina, Becca, Me, and Shiloh my last night in Vancouver













-the last picture I have of Tim and I...







One of the last days that I was in town, a Wednesday, my dear friend Kim and I went to Raw Canvas. I had a coupon (if you haven't checked out the groupon coupons your missing out - www.groupon.com ) for wine and painting. I never thought art could be so therapeutic. As we brainstormed ideas of what to paint, words and images began to come. Tulips were my favorite flower here. The words Live, Learn, Love, Grow, and Hope are the words I would use to describe my time. Tears are what come to my eyes each time I think of Tim. As we worked, collaborated, on the painting, we talked, laughed, sang, cried. As the painting began to take shape I would step back and whisper, yes, this is it, this captures my whole sabbatical.
Thank you Kim,for helping me begin the grieving and healing process...



People have asked me if my time of Sabbatical has been tainted in anyway because Tim and I broke up. No, it hasn't. I came to Vancouver to see if Tim and I would work out. I came to learn to rest. I came take classes at Regent. I came to hear from God. I came to grow, learn, and be challenged. I came to discover. My Sabbatical was about taking time to discover more about myself, God and the direction I was being called to. I received answers to all these things. I discovered that no, Tim and I would not work out in the places where we were and in the things that we hoped for. I discovered that I can rest and that my identity is often too wrapped up in what I am doing or accomplishing. I learned to surrender that and am still learning that. I discovered that I enjoyed taking classes, learning about sabbath and scripture in new ways and making friends at Regent. I discovered that God is more than I thought He was although I already thought he was pretty amazing. I discovered He just wants me to be real and totally handle my hurt, disappointment, and restlessness. I discovered what love really is - more than just a feeling or emotion that you fall in and out of at whim, but a conscience choice that takes hard work and is impossible to maintain on your own. I discovered that there is more to me to discover. I discovered that I need to keep surrendering control. I could go on and on...

I'm in Florida right now. It's been weird. Not only because I'm here under sad circumstances, but because suddenly the things that I have loved over the past 5 1/2 months have been stripped away. There is no beach within walking distance, no fruit and vegetable stand, no amazing public transportation, no Regent college, and no Timothy to call...Plus there are a whole lot more Black and Latino people and barely any Asians! It's strange I tell you.

In these last few weeks of Sabbatical I'm crying out to Jesus to speak. I need to hear his voice. I need him to guide me. I need him to help me grieve, I need him to live one day at a time, I need him to point out to me what I missed along the way. Here I am Lord. I am yours. I need you. Bring healing to both me and Tim. What an incredible man he is. Thank you for the 11 months we had. Help us both to know that you have a plan and that it is beyond what either of us could ever imagine. Holy God, Holy God, Holy God, help. Holy God, Holy God, Holy God, come and speak.