The truth is I'm not sure what I want, the truth is that I want what I can't have. The truth is that what I want isn't realistic. The truth is it isn't the truth at all. The truth is warped and strangely dim. The truth is lies covered with a shiny exterior that I like to play with carefully so that it doesn't come unraveled.
The reality is God is truth. There is truth. I want truth, need truth and desire to live truth, real truth and not "just our society says it's true" truth.
Somehow, our emotionally manipulative society has gotten to me in a way that has made me numb to realizing that it's lies and not truth. This isn't a pretty realization. In fact it feels slightly humiliating to admit. But I know that I'm not the only one, that's why there is a million dollar industry.
Somehow, I get more of a kick out of watching "love" played out in movies and TV and then am disappointed when it doesn't happen that way for me. Somehow I have an image of "Prince Charming", "Ken" or any other childhood male fairytale character stuck in my mind and am disappointed when the man in my life doesn't measure up to that. I feel like screaming, "damn you Disney!" but then realize that I'm the one still holding onto the idol.
I woke up this morning saddened by the fact that I'm missing out on some beautiful things that God has been teaching me because I have an addiction to fantasy. My "Truth by Storytelling" Professor and class began to show me that. We memorized scripture, word for word and retold it. It was so life-giving. I felt like I was there when Lazarus was raised from the dead. It was awesome. But then after a conversation last night with Tim and admitting that I liked being emotionally manipulated by the shows or movies that I watch I realized that I want to be there and I want to retell those stories like they really happened. BUT THEY DIDN'T! Our media does their job well. And I dont even watch TV much. Maybe once a week, but it affects me. Years of watching TV, movies and reading books has left me looking for what I think is the ideal...life, man, marriage, job, body, etc. I've known that it affects me in some way and shaped me, but I didn't know how much. I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when the Wizard is truly revealed and it really was only smokescreen and mirrors.
I've set myself and others up to fail because of the way I've let fantasy encroach upon my reality. I've been learning and growing and waiting on God as he pulls back the layers. It's not pretty, fun or easy but reality is better. Real truth is better. All-most truths and half-truths are really all-most lies and half-lies. I don't want to live in a lie. I don't want anything less than the beauty of truth that lives in the freedom of no longer wearing masks even when the reality isn't pretty. I confess my addiction to fantasy and my idol making idealism.
Jesus help me. I know He will.
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