Final Memories

My papaw passed away today. 12:30pm according to my dad. My heart is sad, but I'm glad he is no longer suffering. I have no idea of the final status of his soul, but i trust the Lord and know how much he loved him. Here are a few pictures of my family with him...

Doing much needed weeding in Mamaw and Papaw's garden

PJ "trying not to sweat"

Hydrangea's reaching for the sky

45 years of love! Herb and Shriley

Just a few weeks ago, a well deserved medal of honor

Favorite memory - serving Papaw

Papaw used to call Peter "Punjab"

Bye Papaw. I'll miss you. Thanks for the memories. You were a hero to many. May your soul find rest.

On Death and Dying

One of the greatest fears that people have is dying. I guess it's because there is a fear of the unknown or of pain and suffering. It could be because there's a fear that you might not be remembered or worry about what will happen to the people you leave behind. But for me, I feel that there is no fear in death because I know Jesus. I know that I'll live with him forever and my soul rejoices at that thought.  At the same time, I must confess that I do have a fear. I fear the sadness I will feel when someone I know dies with out knowing Jesus. I fear that I didn't do enough, say enough, call enough, explain enough. 

I sat at my Papaw's bed-side today. I watched his chest rise and fall from labored breathing. I saw his half swollen body from lymph nodes that have blown up as a result of the cancer eating away at his lungs and now everything else. I heard his voice, once strong and clear, now quiet and slow. Part of me wants to pray, "Lord end his suffering and take him home" but I'm then reminded that I'm not sure where home is for him. 

My papaw is or at least was, a strong yet stubborn man. He was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Army during WWII. He lost his leg during that war. I know he knows about pain and suffering. Something, a long time ago, turned him away from God and he hasn't wanted to turn back. Lately though, there have been glimmers of hope. I guess the reality of death does that. He allowed the Hospice nurse to pray with him a month ago and yesterday he allowed Mamaw to call a minister. He's thanked me for praying for him. All glimmers of hope. I'm a firm believer that no matter when people come to faith in Jesus, God celebrates them and welcomes them home...but will Papaw come to faith? 

I don't know. I hope so. I pray everyday that he would. I asked God today that if answered any prayer today that it would be to save my Papaw. I'm gently reminded that God wants him, loves him, and has made himself real to him, but it's up to Papaw to accept him. 

There is something about death and dying that makes you think. I think if I could do things over, I would have asked more questions, listened to more stories and called more often. However I can't live with if onlys. I can only do things differently from here. I've dealt with a lot of death this year. Death of a loved one, a relationship, a friendship and the death of hopes and dreams. None of these have been easy. When I think I am done mourning, I realize I'm not. But I realize that with death comes life. At least in terms of the Kingdom. 

As I held Papaw's hand today and ran my fingers through his hair I prayed. I prayed that he would come to know Jesus so that even in death, he would find life.  Please join me in prayer.

the last 30 days...

It's been a month since I left for Poland. I haven't really blogged since. There's been too much, I hadn't figured out how to narrow it all down.  While in Poland I was gone from my room from 8am - 11pm. Once I walked into the hostel my main objective was sleep, so sorry about the absence of my presence on the internet.
Now I'm back. I've never been good at consistency anyway so I'm sure no one was shocked that I was gone. But I do need to process a lot and will give a brief rundown over my last month. It's been...well, a lot. In the last 30 days I've...

Spent 13 days in Poland at IFES's World Assembly where I met people from 152 nations, performed on stage 3 times, coached a group of 5 students from around the world in performing scripture, ate the most amazing Peirogies, Loty (ice cream), Keilbasa and Chocolate filled pastries ever and made some good friends in the process.

My students!! I coached them in performing Psalm 145...they did awesome

 

Ice Cream at it's best..so light and fluffy!

My small group representing 10 different Countries (2 are missing from the pic)

My new friend Lilit from Armenia...I miss her!!

Oh Peirogies how I miss you!!

Thank you Jesus for such good food!

Breaded Keilbasa...sorry all you vegetarian, your missing out!

Performing Mark 12 with Daniel Jones

Once I landed back in the good ol USofA I haven't stopped. I had a few days to get over jet lag but then I had 3 days of team meetings, attended my friends Martin and Artina's wedding (where my friends and I took advantage of the pretty scenery and did a photo shoot), found out that I made a major mistake on my funding accounting tool and was at a much lower percentage than I thought and so I received a paycut and was reduced to 30 hours, oh and school starts Wednesday so I've been working like crazy trying to prepare for all that. BUT I've gotten to sit at Jesus's feet a lot and I'm trying to take it all in and process. I know I've been a stranger, but perhaps now you know why...

So in love!!

Dana took this pic of me in our "photo shoot"...I'm so contemplative...

Full

These last few days have been full. Full of meeting people from around the world )Tonga, Sweden, Malawi, UAE, Finland, Guatemala, Korea, Costa Rico, China, etc). Full of stories of students and staff who risk everything for the sake of rehearsal. Full of culture and beauty. Full of rehearsals. Full of good food...Full. It's beautiful here. Poland is rich in culture, wonderful folklore stories, cathedrals, Basillica's and castles. Every day I walk to the main square and discover new things along the way. I'm loving every moment of my time. My team is amazing and I love spending time with them. The people that I am meeting each have a story. God is moving my heart to a deeper place of prayer for the nations. It is good to be here.
I don't have a lot of free time , that's why you haven't really heard from me, and my writing isn't super thoughtful right now. However the day before the student portion began Kim and I took a taxi to the Salt Miines in Wieliczka...fascinating! Here are a few pictures. More to come...

In front of the castle in Krakow

The walls of the salt mines are all salt...we went down about 450 ft.

A salt carving of the Last Supper

Traditional Polish Folk Dresses

A street in Wieliczka

A beautiful church in Wieliczka...I took this picture through the window because the church was closed to visitors...not too bad :)

The end of a very long day...

25 hours later I made it. I had no movies on my flight from Chicago to Frankfurt (I shouldn't say none, they showed "Prom" a total high school flick...seriously!?). Kim and I ended up on different flights. I had the "privilege" of sitting in between two very opinionated little old men on my flight to Krakow who argued over me where I needed to visit the most. Needless to say I got no nap in on that flight.
Over all it was a good trip and I learned that I can fly internationally all by myself :)

I took a few pictures, but I'm on Kim's computer so I'll add them later. She and I did eventually meet up here and took a walk of the city. Very beautiful. I can't wait to show you...tomorrow perhaps

still waiting...

Sooo.....It's 5:45 and I am still sitting in the airport. If you remember from my last post, my flight was supposed to be at 5:15pm. Well, it wasn't. Why? Mechanical problems. Apparently a light came on indicating there is something wrong with the main cabin door...well then.
But God seems to be working things out...He's God, of course he is! My good friend Kim and I were supposed to be on the same connection flight from Chicago - Munich - Krakow. I thought for a moment that now we would both be flying separately, but she just called and said her flight is delayed as well. We are both re-booked on a flight to Chicago - Frankfurt - Krakow. So, in the end it's all working out.

Since I've been here waiting a few, uh, interesting things have happened.
1. My bag was 10 over weight. I checked online and I swear it said 60lbs and not 50lbs but oh well. I got a new rolling laptop bag out of it...which I can hopefully expense
2. The guy sitting across from me is a little drunk. I know this because of the way he was acting and by the fact that he LOUDLY announced that he was drunk off his a**. And then proceeded to say that not all black people look alike...Really sir? Really?

But now I am boarding...YEAH!!!

Poland...

Today at 5:15pm I'll board a plane in San Antonio, TX to head to Krakow, Poland. I'll be there from July 22-August 3 participating in the IFES World Assembly.
To say that I am excited is an understatement. Thrilled, stoked, elated, estactic, overjoyed, delighted, euphric...maybe these begin to grasp how I feel. Here's 5 reason's why...(in no particular order)
1. I'll be joining staff from around the world - 154 countries will be represented...just a little taste of heaven!
2. Being on the Theater team is a dream come true and an on-ramp for getting to do theater at Urbana
3. My grandmother is from Poland, we think my relatives might actually be from the city I am going to.  There's just something about visiting a place where your ancestors walked, ate, lived and did life.
4. It's been a long time since I've gotten out of the country, I've been longing for an international trip. And the fact that it's high of 70's there makes it even better!
5. It's a chance to hear from God in a new and fresh way and context.

Read more about the World Assembly and what we'll be doing! I'll be sure to blog and post pictures when ever I have internet...really, I'm gonna try to blog, really I am :)

There's Something About Love...

L - is for the way you look at me
O - is for the only one I see
V - is very very extraordinary
E - is even more than any one that I adore
For some time this Nate King Cole song has been a favorite of mine. I can't remember which movie made me first fall for it, but I know it was some cheesy romantic comedy.
There is something to be said about love. What is it really - a feeling, a choice, an action, all of the above. An experience, a journey, something we all long for. Something to give and receive. A word you speak, actions you take, emotions you feel, commitments and covenants you make. Love is a four letter word that has more definitions, side-affects and consequences than any other word. There's just something about love.

I was at a wedding over the 4th of July weekend. I love weddings. I also, well, not hate them because hate is a strong word, but maybe, well, hate them.  But mostly I love them. I love to see a groom standing in front anticipating his bride walking through the door. I love watching the bride walk down the aisle on her fathers arm. I love the beauty of seeing bride and groom make there vows and become one before God. I love the kiss, the celebrating, the food, the dancing and the cake. I love it.
What I hate is when it's a wedding that I'm not thrilled about or when it's over the top and people spend too much money on the decorations and forget to invite Jesus into it. And mostly I hate the way my heart twists in a tug of war of being overly ecstatic for the couple before me and aching for it to one day be me standing there. But like I said before, I mostly love them.

And I loved the wedding I was at last weekend. I loved it because they were friends of mine. I loved it because it a simple and beautiful ceremony. I loved it because of the way they honored God. I loved it because of the way they stood before each other is obvious delightful love. But mostly I loved it because I knew James' story and for me it was a reminder that one relationship not working out and waiting on the Lord, in the end, is totally worth it. God knows best. I saw that at this wedding. Had it been 3 years ago at a wedding that could have happened, I would have felt differently. I might still have gone because of friendship, but I wouldn't have been happy to see the wedding. This was it though. James and Katie are together because they waited on the Lord. It gives me hope. Theirs is a love that is real. It's not with out struggle, or conflict but it is real. It came on the heels of heartache and tears from past losses which now fade into the distance.

Sometimes my heart still aches and longs for what was lost with him. It's not so much the man but the dream. Sometimes I chastise myself for feeling that way.  But I'm a woman who loves deeply, passionately and falls hard. And loss is loss. It hurts. It sucks. But it's, in a weird way, worth it.

Life, true life, only comes after death.  The death of one relationship is the only way to give birth to another. Do I know when that day is coming? No. Will it come in the form, fashion and manner I desire? I have no idea. But I know that whatever it is, it will be worth it. That, I was reminded of on Saturday June 2 and I watch my friend James' eyes light up as his bride walked down the aisle.

Oh, and I look good that day. My friends and I we looked real good.

sigh...

I'm a lousy blogger. I have good intentions, but alas, I fail to follow through...oh well. I'll get back in the game soon. 

I've been visiting family and friends in Florida and although I would love to blog about it, I've been to busy having fun with them! Before that I moved. So needless to say life has been crazy...fun, joy-filled, a little stress-full at times (I HATE MOVING)... I'll put up pictures of it all soon. 

For now, I just wanted to let you know that I really do still exist!

30 Day Journal Challenge...

I'm not an artist, never have really claimed to me. But I love being creative. I love photography, card making and sometimes will dabble here and there with re-purposing things like my friend Karisse talks about here as a guest blogger. So, when I read about a 30 Day Journal Challenge I got excited and decided to participate. It's been lovely! I'm enjoying the prompts and the chance to express myself creatively.

I must confess that I had to make it a goal of mine to not compare my journal to anyone else. I have a tendency to look down on my artistic abilities as not any good. It all stems back to an owl I made in art class in 4th grade. I was pretty proud of that owl, my teacher, however, wasn't as impressed. Sadly her comment about it not being a good idea to gt my hopes up of being an artist one day dashed my dreams and made me slightly insecure when it came to art work. In fact, it wasn't until I met Karisse's mom that I felt free to express my creative side. There was something really special about that lady...she made you feel like an artist.

Anyway, back to the journal...I accepted the challenge and am on day 9 (which I am about to complete!)....here are the ones I've done so far :) 

My Goals for the 30 Day Challenge

What I've got happening in the month of June

We had to draw what we wish we were wearing that day...

I loved doing this one! Thinking through what my summer traditions were. I got creative and used some mixed media with stickers that I have from scrap booking.

A love letter to myself

A love letter to someone else - my parents in this case

My Time Capsule...its a work in progress

Free Yoga!!

Have I ever mentioned how much I absolutely LOVE free stuff. I mean who doesn't!? That's why I was so excited to go to a free Yoga class this morning at a REAL yoga studio. That's right, not just some class at 24 hr fitness but an actual Yoga studio painted in fun "zen-full" colors. It was hot yoga, which meant 110 degrees...you leave looking like you jumped in a pool you're so drenched with sweat. I loved every minute of it. I got a group-on when I was in Canada for Hot Yoga. It was 10 days for $10. I went 3 days in a row, then Tim and I broke up and I missed out on the rest of the classes. Sigh...but today made up for it all. I went with a few friends. It was awesome, and did I mention it was free!? Yoga studios are so expensive. But they did give out a 10 classes for $10 coupon...no one to break up with me this time, maybe I should give it another shot!

A Thousand Questions

I watched this again this morning. I am using it in a talk for Rec Week where I am speaking on the Creation and then the Fall. It's powerful. A little long, but totally worth it.

The Beginning of the End...

A few weeks ago my roomies and I had an impromptu prayer time. We realized that we needed to make a decision about our housing situation. Crystal is getting married, Dana is thinking about moving out of state (or at least Austin) and that left Munirah and I. We prayed to seek direction, who we should invite to live with us or if we needed to leave our house. At the end of the time Munirah shared, "I heard this is the beginning of the end." We were't sure what it meant at the time, we do now.

It's hard moving. I hate it actually. I've moved 4 times in the 3 years I've lived in Austin. Ridiculous. All I ask for is a little stability. Nope, not gonna happen. Munirah and I asked all the people we could think of, but not one could commit to a year long lease with us. Dana feels it's best that she move. Crystal is still getting married and actually got a job in Dallas that starts next week.

Munirah, Me and Crystal

Crazy at Christmas

Its the beginning of the end for our little community. I'm sad. I've really loved living here. This house has been a refuge. A place of MUCH laughter, singing, dancing, and partying. It's been a place where I can cry openly, pray always and worship freely. I'm going to miss Crystal and Dana dearly.

The good news is that Muni and I found an apartment today! It's big - 1,280 sq feet. 2 bed 2 bath and for under $900 which was our limit. Good times. Downside is it's on the 3rd floor with no elevator. That's gonna be a bugger to move in and out of. But at least we have a place. The Park at Walnut Creek. Nice name, huh. 

On the Road...

Ever since I was a little girl my family has done road trips. Mostly we drove the 13 hours from our house in Florida to my Papaw and Mamaw's house in Kentucky. One year we did drive from Florida to Maine which was pretty awesome, but since I wasn't driving then I mainly read or watched movies with my brother instead of really soaking in the sights.
But I do believe that all those hours in the car set my heart up for loving road trips. I took several in college and loved each one.  I've always dreamt of driving up the coast of Northern California through the winding roads of the coast and through the Redwood Forest, last week I got to do just that.
One of my dearest friends from college, Karisse, asked me to join her on a road trip from LA to Portland and I jumped at the opportunity.

in Santa Cruz

In San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge with our mascot friend Mikaila

 We took the drive slow and enjoyed each moment. In a way, it was a chance to celebrate 14 years of friendship and to celebrate life. Where we are right now is not not where we expected, what we are doing right now is not what we expected. Singleness in our 30's is not what we expected. Cancer, death, heartbreak, is not what we expected. 14 years ago when we were freshmen neither of us would have predicted that we would be where we are...

we got to drive through a tree!

Look, Big foot is real!

 But it's been an amazing journey that neither of us would change because of the things that we have learned from it. Do we wish that things could have gone differently, yes. Do we see God's plan in it all, sometimes. Has it been worth it, in the end. For me, road trips signify and remind me of the way that I need to live life. As a journey that I take slow and enjoy the stops along the way. Like the unexpected pit stops because you see something that catches the corner of your eye that you've just got to see for yourself, life is full of things that can catch you off guard but if you take the chance it could end up the best part of the journey. 

Standing in a Red Wood

Breathtaking

So big! So magnificent!

Karisse was right, this was darn good coffee

dancing on the beach

Karisse's favorite flowers

Elk! Right off the road

My Favorite random pit stop of all. Paul Bunyan and his faithful bull, Babe...

This road trip was redeeming for me. I had passed it up once before for a boy that broke my heart. But not this time. This time we made the trip, we laughed, we cried, we drove. Maybe a little like Thelma and Louise. Oh, and we took pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. (I would show you more, but already I have way too many for one blog post.) This trip was about friendship. A friendship that had spanned a decade and more than a thousand miles. Thanks Karisse!