One of the greatest fears that people have is dying. I guess it's because there is a fear of the unknown or of pain and suffering. It could be because there's a fear that you might not be remembered or worry about what will happen to the people you leave behind. But for me, I feel that there is no fear in death because I know Jesus. I know that I'll live with him forever and my soul rejoices at that thought. At the same time, I must confess that I do have a fear. I fear the sadness I will feel when someone I know dies with out knowing Jesus. I fear that I didn't do enough, say enough, call enough, explain enough.
I sat at my Papaw's bed-side today. I watched his chest rise and fall from labored breathing. I saw his half swollen body from lymph nodes that have blown up as a result of the cancer eating away at his lungs and now everything else. I heard his voice, once strong and clear, now quiet and slow. Part of me wants to pray, "Lord end his suffering and take him home" but I'm then reminded that I'm not sure where home is for him.
My papaw is or at least was, a strong yet stubborn man. He was a 2nd Lieutenant in the Army during WWII. He lost his leg during that war. I know he knows about pain and suffering. Something, a long time ago, turned him away from God and he hasn't wanted to turn back. Lately though, there have been glimmers of hope. I guess the reality of death does that. He allowed the Hospice nurse to pray with him a month ago and yesterday he allowed Mamaw to call a minister. He's thanked me for praying for him. All glimmers of hope. I'm a firm believer that no matter when people come to faith in Jesus, God celebrates them and welcomes them home...but will Papaw come to faith?
I don't know. I hope so. I pray everyday that he would. I asked God today that if answered any prayer today that it would be to save my Papaw. I'm gently reminded that God wants him, loves him, and has made himself real to him, but it's up to Papaw to accept him.
There is something about death and dying that makes you think. I think if I could do things over, I would have asked more questions, listened to more stories and called more often. However I can't live with if onlys. I can only do things differently from here. I've dealt with a lot of death this year. Death of a loved one, a relationship, a friendship and the death of hopes and dreams. None of these have been easy. When I think I am done mourning, I realize I'm not. But I realize that with death comes life. At least in terms of the Kingdom.
As I held Papaw's hand today and ran my fingers through his hair I prayed. I prayed that he would come to know Jesus so that even in death, he would find life. Please join me in prayer.
